DuPage County withdraws from 8/8/08 attacks

Government conspiracy 'too destructive' says county board

By Reporter X

6/28/07: Once considered a leading contender as a site for the upcoming 8/8/08 "terrorist" attack, the DuPage County board officially withdrew its application.

According to unnamed sources with have friends in county government, the shadow agency, known as The Organization, accepted DuPage County's withdrawal.  The Organization added that there were concerns a major attack on DuPage County could strengthen Sen. Barack Obama's political position.

A member of The Organization, we'll call her R, explained.

"When we planned the 9/11 attacks, no one could have imagined that they would have helped Sen. Clinton's image.  Even though she was nowhere near Ground Zero at the time, for some reason people think she's tough on terrorists.  The Organization was concerned that a DuPage attack would have the same affect on Sen. Obama.  We're not going to spend $100 Billion dollars to elect a Democrat President!"

From many anonymous sources, it appears that the 8/8/08 attacks were pitched to the County Board in 2003 as way to pay off the Naperville Carillon.

"Basically a tanker plane was going to crash into the Riverwalk."  Said Y, a friend of a county worker.  "There were have been a spectacular explosion next to the Carillon.  It would only be slightly damaged, but the area around it would be incinerated.  After the attacks, the Carillon would become a symbol of our nation's resolve.  Then the national government would pay for the completion of the Carillon, and maybe add on a few special features."

Y also added that, with a little media spin, it would appear that DuPage County took a hit to save Cook County and Chicago.  The Republican Party would use this new conventional wisdom as proof of DuPage's moral superiority over Cook County.

"It seemed like a good idea to participate in this."  Said Y.  "There would be an explosion with few, if any, casualties.  There would be some dramatic pictures of the Carillon.  We'd make Cook County look bad, and we'd help save the Bush Presidency."

After the county placed their bid to be an 8/8/08 site, the details of the attack started to change.  The number of planes involved increased, and it was becoming apparent that the DuPage portion of the attack would affect more than Naperville. 

"The Organization wouldn't tell us the full details," Said Y, "but they kept bringing up Dresden.  And I don't mean the TV series.  That's when we started to have second thoughts about participating in the attack."
When The Organization told the county that the current plan called 90% of DuPage to be engulfed in flames, the Board objected.

"Duct tape won't hold back a firestorm!"  One board member objected!

The Organization explained that they had to scale up the disaster to meet increasing expectations for the next "terrorist attack."  When they added that DuPage First Responders would be hailed as heroes for saving Chicago from the firestorm, Robert J. Schillerstrom exclaimed, "But most of our county will be dead, and I will not die to save Todd Stroger!"

In the end, the Board felt they had no choice to withdraw from the 8/8/08 attacks.  The cost of human life, they agreed, would be too high.  "Not to mention that it would take years for the Illinois Republican Party to recover from the loss of DuPage County."

R defended the changing nature of the attacks.

"We have to be flexible in this line of work."  Said R.  "Take 9/11 for example.  When we started planning it in 1999, it was supposed to take place in 2000 as a way to force Congress to finally impeach President Clinton, and to crush Gore's Presidential chances.  Once we found out that Bush was going to be selected President, we had to change 9/11 to make Bush look like a leader.

"Now we couldn't just cancel the attack.  We'd been sneaking explosives into the World Trade Center for over a year.  Now that was quite a trick.  We couldn't just turn around and say, 'Oops.  We need to remove the new insulation.'  So we made some changes.  It wasn't perfect.  Bush forgot his speech at the school.  Barbara Olson got on the wrong plane.  It turns out we didn't need to the explosives after all.  Little things like that.  But you know, it all turned out well.  No one questioned his legitimacy again, and it made him the most powerful President in history."

When asked for a comment, a Schillerstrom spokesperson said, "He would never support such an evil plan, even if were intended to help our President!  Why do you guys make this stuff up?"

When asked what we could expect from the 8/8/08 attack, R wouldn't give details.

"Let's just say that after 9/11, the public demanded federal screeners at our airports.  After 8/8/08, the public will demand federal street and sidewalk screeners in every community!"

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