'Alien only' nightclub sparks controversy
A Broken Force Fields Special Report

An unidentified alien checks out Area 613's pressurized dance floor.

By Reporter X

Set to open in December, Naperville's Area 613 will become the suburbs' first dance club to cater to space aliens.  Some residents are concerned.

"I have no problem with space aliens, as long as they stay in Bolingbrook."  Said Jon Patterfield of the Naperville Preservation Society.  "We all know that young people always find their way into these clubs.  They don't know how to properly dress at a club, and I'm afraid that they won't know how to protect themselves against horny aliens."

Robert, a silent partner in Area 613, understand the concerns of residents like Patterfield.

"Let me assure everyone that we have taken every precaution to protect Naperville, and at the same time allow our aliens visitors to enjoy themselves."

Located a mile below Blur/Zero Gravity, Robert says that opening Area 613 is the fulfillment of a long time dream.

"My father works at Clow UFO base, and I used to take me there as a teenager.  It was a cool place, but Clow lacks proper entertainment for its visitors.  Sure some aliens have permission to visit the area clubs, but not every alien can.  Some just can't handle our atmosphere, and others just can't be made up to look human."

According to Robert, the Area 613 will be the first suburban club to have two environmental dance rooms that can be filled with custom atmospheres. Robert claims that any life form in the universe can be supported in Area 613.

Patterfield expressed concerns that the club could become a haven for illegal space aliens.

"These are things who are criminals, and they could start out at Area 613, and then decide to spend the rest of the night on a crime spree!  We have families to protect, and a reputation to uphold.  If people think of Naperville as a haven of space aliens, we won't win any more Best Community awards.  People will actually move out of Naperville."

Robert replied that he is working close with Naperville's Men in Blue and the Men in Black to make sure all patrons are legal aliens.  Robert also emphasized that while the club is located beneath Naperville, the entrance is not in Naperville.  The club can only be accessed by a transport from Clow. 

"All aliens inside Area 613 will be fully documented, and we will work with the authorities to maintain a safe environment."

While Area 613 will cater to space aliens, it will employ a human staff.  Patterfield says he has concern for their safety.

"Some of those dance floors will have atmospheres that will be toxic for humans.  You know how often accidents happen in normal clubs.  Imagine what will happen in one of those danger rooms!  Some of those alien drinks are dangerous to make.  I'll bet one of them could blow up half of Naperville if it's made incorrectly."

Jill, a waitress at Area 613, says that the staff is going through extensive training.  "I'm learning all about flirting techniques for alien species.  It can be really tough.  In our culture, a wink means you're interested in someone.  In some other cultures, it means you want to fight to the death.  It's a challenge, but this job pays full minimum wage, plus tips!  It's worth the risk."

Donna, a "goodwill dancer," says the toxic dance rooms will be a challenge to work.  "Normally I just dance in my underwear to look sexy.  But I'll have to work in a pressure suit on some of the dance floors.  It'll be a challenge, and I'll have to watch some of my moves.  But I hear that some aliens have a space suit fetish.  The bulkier the better, I've heard them say.  So I'll see if I can try to work that angle."

As far as the making of dangerous drinks, Robert assured The Babbler that all the bars would be equipped with blast shields.

DJ Outdovedisworld looks forward to spinning music for an alien audience.

"Some aliens think 10 beats a minute is too fast.  Some won't even tap their toes until 300 beats a minutes.  I think I can put together some mixes that will offer our visitors a taste of the best music on Earth, and the top 40 galactic hits they're used to."

Area 613 will be open every Sunday starting in December.

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