Downers Grove home destroyed in matter/antimatter explosion
Surviving commune members blame failed 'facilitation'

Despite the impressive mushroom cloud, only eight were killed in this matter/antimatter explosion. Three survived the blast.

A Downer Grove house explosion killed 8 and injured three last Friday. Shockingly, authorities announced that the explosion was caused by an anti-matter/matter reaction.

"This is the first confirmed fatal incident involving antimatter." Said Downers Grove police spokesperson Donna Kane. "Thanks to our homeland security training, we were able to save the neighborhood, and cover up the incident in the mainstream media."

Experts credit the fact that the explosion occurred around 11:00, when most residents were at work, as the reason why more lives weren't lost. Had the house been next to the METRA line, and the explosion occurred during rush hour, the body count could have been in the hundreds.

Kay Poti, a retired housewife, witnessed the explosion while walking her dog.

"Bandit stared barking. I was about to tell him to shut up, but then there was this bright flash. Then I was knocked over by this blast of wind. When I woke up, doctors wearing Homeland Security plastic suits were treating Bandit and me. I must say they did a really nice job on Bandit. It's almost like they gave me a new dog."

Thanks to the unusually quick response by the Department of Homeland Security, they were able to clean up the explosion site by the time most residents returned home. Authorities covered up the loss of the house by saying that the home was scheduled to be demolished.

Their investigation also revealed that the home was part of a "Feminist Process Shared Living Co-op." Survivors brought in for questioning confessed that they had been smuggling antimatter from Fermi lab. They denied they were trying to build a bomb, but instead wanted to facilitate a resolution in the conflict between matter and antimatter.

"Since the beginning of time, matter and antimatter have sought to annihilate each other." Survivor Karen Conners told the police. "Science accepts this, but we don't. It's really un-groovy that there are two forces in the universe that want to destroy each other. Not only that, but matter oppression has driven antimatter to near extinction. We were trying to end matter imperialism."

Conners stated that every day, members of the commune would gather around the antimatter containers to "channel positive energy" into the area. Then they would aloud books about feminist process to "educate" matter and antimatter about conflict resolution. The members would conclude their sessions by suggesting way that matter and anti-matter can get along.

"White Male Reality says matter and antimatter must conflict. We were showing them that they could create their own reality and not accept white male domination." Said Conners.

Police also interviewed two other survivors, Mike Anders and Randy Kerns. Anders he may have caused the explosion when, while, inflating balloons for a party, he accidentally brought up a tank of anti-helium instead of helium.

"That's OK." Replied Kerns. "It's easy to confuse matter and anti-matter. They both have the word 'matter' in them. I'm more mad at Will because I never liked the way he did his cleaning chores. If he wasn't dead, I'd urge you guys to arrest him instead of Mike!"

Protestors will gather at Buckingham Fountain on Wednesday afternoon to demand the release of the "Downers Grove Three." After "educating" the participants about matter imperialism, and the oppressive laws of reality, the protesters will lie down in a circle and chant, "Hey hey! Ho ho! Reality has got to go!"

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