Babbler hires Reader's Editor

Reader's Editor Doug Fields at work.

From the Publisher: Forty years ago, The Babbler used to employ an Ombudsperson to examine our coverage. When he left in a dispute about our coverage of Bolingbrook's space hippies, we never replaced him.

Today, many newspapers now have Reader's Editors. Since we like to keep up with the times, I decided to hire one too. (Chris Olson)

Hello Bolingbrook, IL. My name is Doug Fields, and I will be your editor. That's right. I am YOUR editor. At other papers, the Reader's Editor's job is to harass the editorial staff on behalf of some disgruntled reader. This is unacceptable. My job is to filter the uneducated drivel and present only the finest reader comments to the editors. My office is where cretins go to die.

How am I qualified for this position? I went to the University of Iowa, located in Iowa City, IA. Iowa City, as is commonly known, is the Athens of the Midwest. The UI is the home of the Writer's Workshop. Its standards are so high that Tennessee Williams could only earn a C average. In the 1980s, Iowa City was named the smartest city in the US. It was also the home of ISCABBS, the Internet's largest forum. The greatest minds on the Internet used to gather there to exchange ideas.

So that makes me more than qualified to judge the poor quality of a letter such as this: "You guys are just a (expletive deleted) imitation of The Onion!" First off, The Babbler was founded in 1965, and has a long journalistic tradition of alternative reporting. The Onion was founded by two cheese-heads. My guess is that the two founders used to take hits from the bong, and then see who could write the dumbest article. No, sir, The Onion can't be compared to The Babbler.

Some of you think that there are stories that we're missing. Like a certain so-called Manchurian candidate:

"There is a Presidential candidate who's working for the terrorists! He says our culture needs to change, and that parents need to teach their children the 'right' values. He was a long shot candidate, yet, mysteriously; he's still managing to win. He says he's going to bring major changes to our country. Why won't you write about Mike Huckabee? Sure, he'll tear down the wall between church and state. The Christians will be real happy until he says, 'God's name is Allah! Submit or die!' We must stop him!"

The reader obviously lacks reasoning skills. Huckabee believes that Canada's capital building is an igloo. Even a mere fool knows that isn't true. The terrorists are not fools. Therefore Huckabee is not a terrorist.

If there is a real story in the Bolingbrook area, it will be covered by The Babbler. In fact, our coverage is so accurate, that so-called skeptics won't even seriously mention our publication. They can't refute any of the stories in here. Oh, if James Randi is reading this, don't worry, we're not going to claim your million-dollar prize. You need the money more than we do.

So if anyone wants to send a comment to The Babbler staff, they'll have to go through me. The days of ignorant Internet spamming disguised as opinion are over. Only the best and brightest will make it past me. Are you up for the challenge?

|

Please note: All stories and characters on this web site are works of fiction.