Fermilab creates new universe!

An satellite photograph of the universe created at Fermilab. The new universe vanished seconds after this picture was taken.

Scientists say it was an accident!

Physicists at Fermilab accidentally played God when their particle accelerator created a new universe.

"I swear it was a freak accident!" Said a physicist who would only identify himself as Steve. "We smash atoms all the time. This has never happened before!"

According to Steve, when Fermilab's particle accelerator normally smashes atoms, 99 percent of the energy is released in our three physical dimensions. Last Saturday, a particle collision sent the majority of its energy into the eight other invisible dimensions. This, explained Steve, damaged the membrane of our universe. This event created a temporary "suction effect" that pulled another universe towards our universe. When the membranes of each universe collided, the energy created a "big bang". This infant universe then appeared in Fermilab.

Dave, a Fermilab engineer, saw the new universe appear while he was monitoring the particle accelerator.

"I saw the ball of light on the screen, and my first thought was 'Oh (expletive deleted)! We've created a new universe! Then I hoped our understanding of cosmology was correct, otherwise Earth would be doomed!"

Mark, a sanitation technician, was in the particle tunnel when the universe appeared. "Sure I thought about jumping into the new universe. Maybe I'd become one with that universe? But man, it was so hot; that there was no way I could get close to it. They told me that it was hotter than the sun, and I was lucky not to be blinded. Then again, if I had jumped in, maybe I would have ended up like Galactus, and that wouldn't be fun.

Fortunately for our universe, the new universe slipped out of our universe ten seconds after its creation. The physicists we spoke to agreed that it will never interact with our universe, and science may never locate it again.

"Like our universe, it will be a closed system." Said Steve.

Fermilab has suppressed this event from the mainstream media for fear of a religious backlash. Most of the religious leaders The Babbler tried to contact laughed and hung up. The few who did answer our questions were divided about the implications of this event.

"I'm urging all of my followers to stay away from Fermilab because God is going to smite those scientists very soon!" Said Reverend Luke Mitchell of Bolingbrook's Solid Rock Church.

"God made us in His image, so it was only a matter of time before we started creating our own universes." Said a member of the DePaul Student Government who asked not to be identified.

Only the Wheaton Unitarian Church seemed to be excited by the event.

"Now our members have the option to worship the mad scientist who created our universe." Said Reverend Melissa Jackson.

While scientists are studying the data gathered from the event, they are also jokingly arguing who should be considered the "god" of the new universe.

Dave says it should be him, because he activated the particle accelerator. Even if he were declared God, it would bring him little comfort.

"If intelligent life forms in this universe, I won't be able to guide them, or impose moral laws on them. Then again, I won't have to decide who lives and who dies all them time. I mean, who wants to look at every car crash and decide which family loses a loved one, and which family gets the miracle? I'd probably save everyone and then the universe would be overpopulated. Being a god is a no-win situation."

Scientists at Fermilab haven't decided if they will try to create another universe.

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