Gravel defeats Bob Barr in the Libertarian Interplanetary Primary

By Reporter X

"It's about damn time!" Gravel tells his supporters!

A week and a half after joining the Libertarian Party, Mike Gravel has won the Libertarian's Interplanetary Primary.  Gravel took 51 percent of the vote, which consists of Libertarians who either work at UFO bases around the solar system, or are abductees imprisoned within our solar system.

"It's about damn time!"  Said Gravel about his first win in the 2008 Primary Season.  "The experts said I couldn't even win an election for dog catcher.  Well we just proved the experts wrong!"

Gravel, who gave his victory speech on Titan, repeated the phrase, "It's about damn time" several times to a small but very vocal group of supporters. 

"The Democratic Primary was the first half of a basketball game.  We've just started the second half with a three-pointer!  I'm Cinderella, and I'm going all the way to the White House!  The road to the White House starts in outer space!"

With 100 percent of the vote in, Gravel won 51 percent of the vote. Former Representative Bob Barr, who was unable to campaign off the Earth, won 30 percent as write in.  Christine Smith won 10 percent, and Wayne Allyn Root won five percent. George Phillies, Michael Jingozian and Dr. Mary J. Ruwart each won two percent of the vote.

Donald  Fellowton, a Bolingbrook resident and amateur analyst of the Libertarian Party, credits Gravel's victory with his strong debate performance the night before, and as a rejection of Bob Barr.

"Bob Barr spent millions of dollars delving into the private life of President Clinton, and then turning a stained dress into a Constitutional crisis.  Now that he wants to be President, of a sudden, he thinks that government shouldn't be delving into our private lives?  (Expletive deleted)!  Gravel proved tonight that he was a real candidate that supports our values!  I think he does.  It's kind of hard to tell."

Mark Pepperwick, a Bolingbrook supporter of Gravel, said he understood why Gravel won after watching a simulcast of Gravel victory speech.

"Under current law, you still have to pay taxes, even if you work on another planet.  Under Gravel's National Sales Tax, you only pay taxes if you buy products in the US.  That means interstellar ex-pats get to live tax-free!  That's the Libertarian way!  Plus his National Initiative Plan gets rid of Congress!  That's the ultimate downsizing of the government!"

Barr's unofficial exploratory campaign committee released a statement saying that Barr congratulated Gravel on his win.  The statement also noted that Barr did not campaign off world because he has not officially declared his candidacy. 

"He has plenty time between and the start of the Libertarian convention on May 22 in Denver to decide if he wants to run.  Mr. Gravel, in the meantime, will need all that time to convince the Libertarian party to accept his plan for socialist health care."

When Gravel returns to Earth, he will host a party for his supporters at Bolingbrook's Clow UFO base.  After the party, he plans on taking a few days off before returning to the campaign trail.

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