Lisle tree murders tourist
Babbler has exclusive video of the crime!

The Babbler has confirmed the authenticity of a video showing a Lisle tree murdering a tourist.

In the video, the unidentified tourist compliments a tree in Community Park.  Though it is not clear, it appears that the tree brutally grabbed the tourist from behind, and violent assaulted him.  The tree then tosses the tourist to the ground.  As the video ends, the tree starts to drag the tourist's body.

Sources in the Lisle police department believe that at some point, the tree drank the blood of the tourist, and then tossed the body into the pond. 

Our sources also tell us this occurred within the last week, and that the village has covered up the murder, to avoid a general panic.

"If it gets out that a tree killed someone, the residents aren't going to pay attention to the details."  Said Jake, who has a friend whose cousin is connected with the Parks Department.  "They're going start chopping down innocent trees in their yards.  The trees would start fighting back, and before you know it, the National Guard is firebombing the Morton Arboretum.  We're talking tree genocide here.  That's not right."

Phil, who has a distant relative in the Lisle police department, says investigators believe the tree might have been insulted when the tourist called the tree "pretty."

"It was a male tree."  Said Phil.  "It might have felt insulted when the tourist said that.  Now most Lisle residents can tell the difference, but this tourist didn't know.  Heck, we don't exactly publicize the fact that we have intelligent trees in Lisle."

Phil also added that the killer tree has not been cut down.  Instead, the village is considering counseling for the tree or relocation to a low traffic area. The village is also considering sensitivity training for all of Lisle's trees.

"If the village cuts down a tree, that will raise too many questions among the residents."  Said Phil.  "So we're just going to keep this quiet, and work with the trees to prevent this from happening again.  You know, for over a hundred years, we've lived in peace with the trees.  There's no sense in jeopardizing our economy because one tree wants to be called handsome instead of pretty."

Lisle Dianne Wilkerson says this village is more concerned with protecting its new slogan, "refreshingly different" than with protecting its citizens.

"It already sounds like a jingle for a soft drink.  If it gets out that Lisle's trees are drinking blood, the slogan now sounds like Lisle is trying to brand us as tree food.  We are not walking soda cans for the trees!  We deserve a village board that will stand up to these wooden bullies!"

Before The Babbler put the video online, the DuPage Skeptical Society has already denounced it as a fake.

"It looks like some jumped backwards, shook a video camera, and then tumbled to the ground."

Experts consulted by The Babbler laughed at the skeptics and assured us that the video is real.

"First, the slight change in the shadows suggests that a branch was moving at the time of the attack.  Second, I calculated the rate of speed, and no one can jump backwards that fast.  It would violate the laws of physics and the laws of thermodynamics.  These so-called skeptics want you to believe that a faker violated the laws of the universe, shook the camera so hard that it broke his wrist, and then hurled himself at the ground and broke his arm.  Yet somehow, he was able to drag himself away just before the camcorder shutdown?  I don't think so.  No, its simpler to believe that a man was killed by a tree!"

No one from the Lisle government would return our phone calls.

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