Mayor Claar to use new malls to secure electoral victories until 2017

A proposed ad for Bolingbrook's Emo mall. Claar hopes it will influence the youth vote in the 2011 election.

Many political observers feel that it is no coincidence that the landside victory for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar political party coincided with the opening of the Promenade.  As a result, sources close to the mayor say he will time the opening of four major malls to help his party in future elections.

One source, we'll call him Steve, told The Babbler that Claar personally explained his plan for him.

"He said, 'Steve, besides my connections to very rich and powerful alien corporations, the key to my success has been shopping.  When I became mayor, there was no place to shop in Bolingbrook.  You had to go to Naperville just to get food.  That was unacceptable.  So did every thing I could to bring stores into Bolingbrook.  Now we are the major shopping location in the Western suburbs, and I am the most popular mayor in the history of Bolingbrook!'  Then he said, 'Give the people a chain store, and they'll give you their vote!'"

Steve, and other sources close to Claar, says that he believes that Bolingbrook residents are no longer content with strip malls.  They want "event malls," like the Promenade.  Claar, they say, is really excited about the event malls he has lined up for the next 10 years.

The first mall, scheduled for 2009, is Fit (!).  Fit (!) will combine the shopping mall experience with the health club experience. 

"He says that in addition to mall walking, customers can also do mall jogging, mall cardio, and mall weight lifting.  It will also have the healthiest food court in the world.  As he put it, 'Your credit card and your body will get a workout.'  Hey, I'm all ready to sign up.  Not only will it turn a profit, it will get our village in shape.  For the food industry, that means we'll have to eat more to make up for all the calories we'll be burning.  It's a win-win!"

Fit (!) will be announced in late 2008, and should open before the 2009 mayoral election.

The next mall, scheduled for 2011, is Emo, described as an "underground superstore."

"Roger says that our young people can only experience underground culture by either going to a crowded Hot Topic, or taking a dangerous trip to Chicago.  Emo will provide a safe controlled environment for our children to be as underground as they want to be."

When asked about the apparent contradiction behind a mall being underground and a superstore, Steve smiled.

"Roger thinks that this mall will either give him the youth vote, or they will be so conflicted between their love of Emo and their hatred of the establishment they won't vote.  Either way, it works out for Roger."

Promoters will announce Emo in 2010 by sponsoring a series of concerts by "Emo" bands.

The third mall, Old Bolingbrook, involves converting Bolingbrook's original subdivisions into a mix of residential and commercial buildings.

"Think Promenade only with condos mixed in."  Said Steve.  "This will be great.  You can literally roll out of bed and into your favorite store.  Since everything is so close, you won't need to drive that often.  Since global warming will really be kicking in by 2013, this will help residents feel good while they shop.  Plus it will give us an opportunity to get rid of some eco unfriendly buildings, and increase property values."

Between nostalgia for Bolingbrook's past, and green construction, Steve feels that the opening of Old Bolingbrook will prevent anyone from opposing Claar in 2013.  The mall should be announced in 2011.

The final mall, to coincide with Claar's final campaign, will be the most ambitious.  Trump Water Tower Place West, will be world's tallest mall, and will house the worlds largest Starbucks.

"By 2017, Bolingbrook should be in a position to annex Naperville.  So we'll need something to make Naperville residents want to be annexed.  They want something that will appeal to their sense of entitlement.  Roger thinks that they way to do that is to bring a piece of Michigan Avenue to Bolingbrook.  Then we'll add the Trump name to our skyline.  Roger says 'Steve, nothing says class like Trump!'  I can't argue with that." 

Most of Bolingbrook's opposition parties would not comment about these plans.  The Roger Claar Party, which Claar is not a member of, enthusiastically supported the proposed malls.

"Mayor Roger Claar's plans will ensure that Bolingbrook maintains its standing as the leader in Western Suburban shopping.  We're the only party that will fully support Roger in this endeavor!"  Read a their press release.

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