Chicago convention unveils 'sensible mathematics' to faithful scientists

Convention members watch a presentation on zero. (Photo based on a work by Charlie Brewer.)

Chicago 7/1: Convinced that standard mathematics is too secular and promotes immorality, The International Fellowship of Inspired Scientists revealed their "sensible mathematics' at their Chicago convention this weekend.

"As the Bible clearly states, all things come from God."  Stated Dr. Jason Marcus, head of the Fellowship.  "We have spread this enlightenment to the biological sciences, and we are working on enlightening the astronomical sciences.  Today, I am proud to announce our next revelation: Sensible Mathematics!"

According to the panel, Sensible Mathematics state all mathematics come from a higher being, and only through this enlightened understanding can all mathematical problems be solved.  Secular, or "Atheistic" mathematics, has too many unsolved problems because of its "lack of faith."

To demonstrate the superiority of their math, Marcus introduced Andrea Bannon to the stage.  Bannon, a high school sophomore, then introduced one of math's unsolved problems, The Riemann Hypothesis.  She explained the obviously very complicated hypothesis, with the assistance of a power point presentation.  Then came her solution.

"The hypothesis assumes the existence of imaginary numbers.  Imaginary numbers assume the existence of zero.  However, as we know there is no such thing as nothing.  As God is everywhere in this universe, there will always be something, even if we can't see it.  Therefore the existence of a nothing is impossible.  Therefore variable "I" is impossible, and the hypothesis is meaningless."

To sum up her proof, she typed,  "Jesus disproves it."  The crowd praised Jesus, and some started speaking in tongues.

Marcus explained the principles behind Sensible mathematics.

• All math comes from a higher power.
• Zero is an Islamic/atheistic concept, and is meaningless because the higher power is everywhere.
• All numbers are rational, for the higher power is rational.
• All mathematical functions must work on the assumption that Pi equals 3.

Marcus was adamant about the value of Pi.

"Those secularists can't even write the value of Pi.  They brag about how decimal points they can figure it out to.  Yet the word of God clearly states that Pi equals three.  I don't care what the liberal apologists say, Pi is three and all math must reflect that."

When asked about the rejection of zero, Marcus explained that zero is an Islamic creation, and that Christians got along fine without it for centuries.

"Since the introduction of zero in 1202 AD, crime, abortion, teen depression and suicide have increased dramatically!  The false faith in nothing has eroded our Western culture, and we are just showing people the truth that comes our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

The panel said they were still working on some aspects of Sensible Mathematics, but they expect it to be ready to be taught to grade school students in 7 years, or a "sizeable portion" of the American believes that the solar system revolves around the Earth.

"Which ever comes first." Said Marcus.  He added, "By then we hope that schools will at least be willing to teach the controversy over mathematics."

The Panel also tested some talking points that they plan on introducing to sympathetic commentators.

"The Algebra of terrorism!"

"Math teaches our kids to be zeros!"

"Homicide bombers believe in zero too!"

"Using Arabic numbers is un-American!"

"Pro-math is pro-Atheist!"

When asked about this new mathematics, retired schoolteacher Al Lunger replied, "This is silly.  Mathematics has nothing to do with a belief in God or not."

Nationally known skeptic and atheist Rebecca Watson exclaimed, "The stupid!  It burns!"

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