McCain feuds with the interstellar press

Press conference starts off controversial trip to Mars

By Reporter X

Sen. John McCain speaks to alien reporters at Bolingbrook's Clow UFO Base.

Before leaving for a tour of the Martian Colonies, Sen. John McCain argued with members of the interstellar press corps.

McCain, who has a very cordial relationship with the US media, seemed taken aback by the harsh questions at the press conference held at Bolingbrook's Clow UFO Base.

"All of you guys should learn American journalism." McCain apparently joked. "They know how to behave around very serious people."

The conference started off with McCain stating that he has never owned a telescope, and never took an interest in astronomy.

"It's kind of hard to look at the stars when you're a POW and being tortured."

McCain added, "Once I gained my orange level security level clearance, I learned about the importance of interstellar trade for our country. I'm traveling to the Martian Colonies to affirm the Senate's commitment to alien relations, and not to impress Coast to Coast listeners or campaign for President off-world."

The questioning heated up when reporters asked if McCain would continue current policy towards the Martian Colonies. Treaties negotiated by both the Clinton and Bush II administrations call for the US to surrender any claims to Mars, and to cover up all evidence of the Martian colonies. In exchange, Earth will not be obliterated. Some conservative columnists have called the policy appeasement, and have called for the US to invade Mars and drive out the colonists.

At first McCain didn't seem to understand the questions. After they were repeated several times, McCain, replied, "Look, I am a neo-conservative. As President, I need to set a good example for the world. Like it or not, the Martian Colonies have a superior military and a superior culture. They are the dominant power in our solar system. Now, it is a fact of life that weaker nations must submit to stronger nations. If I don't submit to the colonists, than how can I expect Rhodesia to submit to American interests? I am content to lead the strongest nation on Earth."

McCain then accused Sen. Barrack Obama of having never visited the Martian Colonies.

"If he would visit the Martian Colonies, he would back down from his irresponsible policy and submit to them as well!"

In fact, Obama visited the Martian Colonies in March of 2005, and met with the high council. After the second time McCain accused Obama of not visiting Mars, a reporter showed him a picture of Obama standing on Olympus Mons. McCain corrected himself, and then repeated the charge 30 seconds later.

When Kia Choon, a reporter from the Gliese Network accused McCain of lying about Obama's Mars trip, McCain's face turned red.

"That does it, you're off the Straight Talk Starship. Get out of here! Now!"

As security guards approached Choon, she replied, "Why would I want to be on your primitive ship? You're shielding is so weak that we don't need to be onboard to photograph or talk to you!"

As Choon was being dragged out of the hanger, McCain said, as an aside, "Now Obama is a good boy, but the office of President is no place for a cake-eating uppity Negro."

An advisor then ran up to the podium and whispered into his ear for several seconds. McCain than went back to the microphone and said, "Excuse me. I meant to say that Obama is a young man who would be out of his element as President. In fact, when it comes to interstellar affairs he would be—"

McCain pulled a note card out of his jacket pocket. After squinting at the card, he looked off stage and yelled, "I can't say this! We're talking about dealing with little green men, not a god damn chess game!"

As the reporters gasped at McCain's use of a phrase some aliens consider racist, an advisor yelled something about a word that would appeal to young voters.

"Screw them!" Said McCain. "They don’t vote!"

When the alien reporters tried to ask questions about McCain's remarks, McCain recognized a Fox News reporter. The reporter asked McCain why liberals were so stupid. Before McCain could reply, a reporter from Pegasi 12 threatened to eat the Fox News reporter.

"You have brought shame to the honorable profession of word tellers!" It screamed. "You must die!"

The Men in Black rushed McCain into his campaign starship, while the Men in Blue tried to control the rioting reporters.

An anonymous advisor to the McCain campaign felt the news conference was good for the candidate.

"Americans hate all aliens right now, both the illegal and the space kind." He said, "Soon UFO fanatics will see images of McCain angering aliens. This will go over much better in America than a possible poofta speaking to the country that gave the world Adolph Hitler."

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