Human/tree hybrids stalk Sun columnist

Fearful Lisle Sun staffers confirmed that columnist Janet Wilmoth is being stalked by human/tree hybrids.  Angered by her columns critical of a proposed downtown splash park, Lisle's trees seek to intimidate her into silence.

An enhanced photograph reveals a human/tree hybrid in Lisle.

"I used to think that you guys were crazy."  Said one staffer, who asked not to be identified.  "Then I saw a man with a few fresh leaves in his hair.  He asked to speak with Janet.  When I told him that she was busy.  He said, 'I can wait,' and then walked out.  That thing stood out in the front lawn for an hour before security escorted him away."

Another staffer tells a similar story.  "I saw this teenaged girl walk into the lobby.  I thought she had on an odd color of green eyeshade.  She asked to speak with Janet.  The receptionist said she was too busy to see anyone.  She said she'd wait in the lobby."

According to the staffer, the girl stood in the lobby, her eyes closed.  When two security guards told her to leave, she refused.

"The guards tried to pick her up, but they couldn't.  She looked thin, but the guards struggled like she weighed a ton. Then I swear her skin turned green for a second.  The guards screamed and let her go.  I'm not making this up. The guards' hands were bleeding, from the hundreds of thorns that were stuck to them.  The girl just looked towards the back and said, "We see all.  You cannot hide from us!"  Then she walked away."

An anonymous neighbor says he saved her house from an attack.  He says that he was watching a Cubs night game when he claims that he saw a man standing by Wilmoth's tree.  He thought nothing of it, and went back to watching the game.  Seconds later, he claims that the man merged with the tree, and it "started moving funny."

"I figured it was some kind of witchcraft, because you know how witches hate reporters.  Anyway, I grabbed my hedge clippers and fought the thing!  Well I couldn't let a woman be devoured by a witch tree!"

When Wilmoth stepped out, he claims that the tree started "acting normal." 

"I saved her life, and she had me arrested for vandalism and trespassing!"

As the neighbor was being dragged off, he claims that he saw twigs on the ground arranged to read, "Splash Park Forever."

Some alternative historians say that human/tree hybrids have been in the Lisle area for over 100 years.  When settlers tried to cut down the intelligent trees, these trees grew arms and legs and fought back.  After many bloody battles, this secret conflict ended with the signing of the Lisle peace treaty.  The intelligent trees would let the humans live, and cut down the 'dumb trees."  In return, the humans had to consult with the trees every six months to determine how to use the land.  To enforce the treaty, the trees "pollinated" several female settlers.  The offspring were the first human/tree hybrids.

These historians estimate that about 75 decedents of the hybrids live in Lisle.  They live normal lives, unaware of their of their plant ancestry.  Whenever the trees need them, they can activate the hybrids, turning them into enforcers or assassins.

Village officials who spoke to The Babbler say back in May, the trees ordered the village to create a pool of water near downtown Lisle.

"We started our biannual meeting at the big rock."  Said one official.  "They gave their usual 'We are the trees, we are the true rulers.'  You know how the trees can be.  Then they said that there was bad energy building up in Lisle.  They ordered us to create a pool of water to cool the energy.  If we didn't, they'd consider us in violation of the treaty.  Now can you imagine how many people would die if Lisle's trees staged a revolt.  It would be staggering."

The Village Board decided to use a splash park as a cover story for the pool of water.  Our sources say that the board members like water parks, and one more wouldn't hurt Lisle. 

A month later, Wilmoth wrote her first column criticizing the plan.

"The trees were furious.  They were afraid that she could stop the splash park from being built.  They were going to kill her."

Instead, the Village Board asked the trees for time to talk to Wilmoth.  The trees, agreed, but before the Village could figure out what to say to her, the hybrids started stalking Wilmoth.

"We were mad at the trees, because they almost revealed their existence to the public.  Do you realize what would happen if residents realized that they were surrounded by hostile trees?"

The official said that the village has talked to Wilmoth.  While he wouldn't say what he told her, he did say that she seemed to be convinced by the Village's story.

"I think we'll be OK, but it's all up to the trees.  I curse this damn tree dictatorship we live under!"

Meanwhile, The Babbler urges all residents and visitors to Lisle to use extreme caution around any trees.  If a tree makes any unusual moves, people should run away, and call 911.

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