TSA to arm Chicago airport screeners

Air travelers could be seeing this poster over the holidays.

The TSA will be arming its Chicago airport screeners as part of a test project.  First reported on by tsa-screener.com in 2003, Chicago's screeners will finally equip their officers with firearms on the day before Thanksgiving.

Tim, a TSA Officer who asked that we not use his real name, explained why the project is four years behind schedule.

"Well first they asked for volunteers for special training.  They were about to start training them, but then half quit the TSA, and the other half were caught selling pirated DVDs.    Then the TSA was going to hire retired SWAT members to form a special rapid response squad.  Unfortunately, Congress said no.  When officers started failing recertification, TSA thought they could just transfer them the special response squad.  Then they decided to add injured screeners to the team so TSA wouldn't have to pay them worker's comp.  It was going OK, until the lead officer said she wanted to be paid a supervisor's salary, instead of normal salary.  She also insisted that she be allowed to dye her hair pink.  TSA was going to fire her for violating the dress code policy, but she argued that the policy didn't define natural hair color for African-Americans.  So they didn't fire her, and then they thought it would just be cheaper to give all officers a gun."

Jason, another officer, said the program had even more problems. 

"They gave us leaflets and lectures on how to operate Uzi machine guns.  Of course they issued us pistols!  To top it off, they decided it would be a bad idea to train us because if someone quit, they could go postal, and they'd know how to fire a gun.  That could lead to some legal issues.  We just figured out that you just turn off the safety, and pull the trigger.  If all of us start shooting, one of us will hit the terrorist."

In a TSA document obtained by The Babbler, O'Hare's Deputy Federal Security Director explained why they were arming screeners.

"There is no truth to the rumor that we are trying to save money by arming TSA Officers instead of paying local enforcement overtime to watch the checkpoints."  Says the memo.  "Instead, we are simply providing a new layer of armed security.  We will soften the initial terrorist attack so that local law enforcement can help the terrorists better experience terminal living."  The memo added, "We cannot predict what the terrorists will attempt, but we will meet them with armed force!"

Not everyone is pleased with the TSA arming its officers.

"That's so stupid!"  Said a member of a frequent flyer web site.  "These people can't even find a gun with an x-ray machine.  Now they want arm them.  They'll end up killing passengers instead of protecting them!"

"I'm smarter than most of those screeners."  Said another member.  "Why can't I carry in the airport too?"

O'Hare's TSA Officers, however, are excited to be getting firearms. 

"Some passengers like to talk back, and act up."  Said Jason.  "I'm hoping that if I flash my gun, they'll shut up, and do what I tell them to do.  This should cut down on my stress level!"

Tim has another goal.  "Rep. Ron Paul has been talking a lot of crap about the TSA.  He wants to get rid of all TSA Officers.  That means he wants to take away my job!  So if I ever see him, I’m going to exercise my Second Amendment rights on him!  His supporters will understand."

The Babbler sent a reporter to Midway to get a comment from the TSA.  He has not been heard from since.  Also, tsa-screener.com is offline, though the site says it has nothing to do with the TSA.

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Please note: All stories and characters on this web site are works of fiction.