Bolingbrook Police fail 'running zombie' drill

Inspired by the movie 28 Days Later, DHS put the Bolingbrook police through a "running zombie" simulation.

A man leaves briefcase in the Bolingbrook Promenade splash area.  Five minutes later, gas billows out from case.  The exposed children scream and attack the unexposed children.  Parents who rush in to break up the fight are consumed with rage once they touch their children.  In a matter of minutes, the Promenade is filled with hundreds of running rage-filled zombies.

Is this the plot of a new SciFi channel movie filming in Bolingbrook?  No.  This was the scenario Bolingbrook emergency services faced in the first Department of Homeland Security Zombie Drill.  To the surprise of Bolingbrook officials, Homeland Security decided to simulate a running zombie attack instead of a traditional slow zombie attack.  Running zombies have been depicted in such movies as 28 Days Later, and the remake of Dawn of the Dead.

Director of DHS Will County Kena Terfers operations explained the decision.  "This is a post 9/11 world.  The terrorists will use unconventional tactics against America.  No one could have anticipated that the terrorists would use airplanes to attack buildings.  We can no longer assume that they will use conventional slow zombies to attack us."

When asked if he had evidence that terrorists had access to zombies, Trefers replied, "While we have no creditable threat at this time, we do believe that that terrorist suspects have rented zombie movies.  As a precaution we are conducting these zombie drills."

DHS staged the zombie attack at the Promenade after 11 PM on Saturday.  Thinking that this was a slow zombie attack, Bolingbrook police did not arrive until 12 AM.

"We took our time pulling out the machetes."  Said Officer O'Neely.  "Unlike guns, they don't run out of bullets.  Anyway, we figured that most of the customers would have driven all the way to Schaumburg by the time the zombies reached the parking lot.  If some people couldn't get away, they'd be smart enough to secure themselves.  Remember we thought these zombies were slow, and people are smarter in real life than they are in the movies."

When officers finally arrived, they found the parking lot was filled with zombies, played by DHS employees.  To the surprise of the officers, they started running at them.

Officer Nelson recalls the horror of that night.  "My first thought was that they couldn't be running, this is wrong.  Then it was my God, we can't engage them at close range.  So we wasted time pulling out our paint guns.  Well this was a drill.  But by the time we were ready to fire, they were all over us!  I only got a few shots off before I was tagged, and turned into a zombie.  Man, let me tell you, whoever said slow zombies are scarier than fast zombies is full of it!"

At the end of the drill, DHS estimated that all of Bolingbrook's police were either zombies or dead.  Though the last surviving officers lured the zombies to the Meijer gas stations and blew it up in the simulation, a few zombies survived.  DHS said those zombies would have been enough to turn Bolingbrook into a village of the undead.  DHS then gave Bolingbrook a failing grade.  Unless the village makes changes by October 15th, Bolingbrook will lose anti-terrorist funding.

"If they can't stop a zombie attack, then they don't deserve those funds!"

The Bolingbrook police department has filed an appeal to President Bush, arguing that running zombies are impossible.  "Zombies are rotting corpses, not healthy human beings."  Reads part of the complaint.  "Their bodies cannot withstand the stress of walking, let alone running.  That is why zombies cannot move faster than a shuffle.  Running zombies only exist in the imagination of Liberal Hollywood writers."

When asked about this development, Mayor Roger Claar laughed, and said, "I'm sure that in a real zombie attack, our police department could keep the situation under control.

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