Bolingbrook to host Earth-Mars Summit
Can Mayor Claar save the Earth from destruction?
 |
(Reporter X) The Babbler has just confirmed that Bolingbrook will host an emergency Earth-Mars summit. Scheduled for July 25, conference will be hosted by Mayor Claar and Vice-President Al Gore. The Martian colonies will be represented by the Head Mazo, and the Martian ambassador to Earth.
"We are proud to host the historic conference." said Mayor Claar in a press release to the interstellar press corp. "As home to the largest urban UFO base, we feel a special responsibility to promote universal peace. When President Clinton asked if I would host this summit, I accepted wholeheartedly. The residents of Bolingbrook support any effort to avoid an interplanetary war."
At issue are the terms of the Mount Olympus accord, and the "discovery" of flowing water on Mars. Under the 1976 treaty, the US, Russia, European Space Agency, and Japan agreed to limit their exploration of Mars to small restricted areas. The Martians also reserved the right to destroy any space probe that they deemed to be equipped with "revealing sensors." In return, Earth would not be destroyed, and the Martians would consider allowing rocks to be taken from their surface. NASA also agreed to print fake pictures of Mars, fooling the public into thinking Mars is a dead planet.
According to a NASA source, the pictures of Martian springs were taken within the restricted zones.
"For years we've been forced to take boring pictures of Mars." Said the source. "When the first pictures of water appeared, we started dancing in the control room. Finally we had something to be excited about! Best of all, it was legal under the Olympus Accords! Heck, we were even nice to the Martians and air brushed the photos before we released them. We made the springs look like erosion gullies and said the gullies might have been caused by water. We could have shown pictures of Sand Cows bathing in the hot springs, but we didn't!"
The Martians, however tell a different story. They say the water came from burst water pipes. Under the Olympus accords, any features caused by the Martian colonists cannot be photographed, or made public. NASA's June 22 press conference, say Martian spokesperson Ikal Galpo, was a clear violation of the treaty.
"Your Earth scientists are trying to beazle out of a clearly worded treaty!" said Galpo. "Mars must be depicted as a dead planet to your public. Even implying that there's water on Mars destroys that illusion! That press conference was nothing less than an act of war!"
"(Expletive Deleted)!" replied a NASA source. "Just because they colonized Mars 100, 000 years ago, doesn't mean it's their planet. We have every right to explore that planet because this is our solar system. I don't care if one of their pistols can blow up an entire city, we shouldn't let them bully us!"
After the press conference, Grand Chblu Xon of Mars sent a message to all the world leaders threatening to "probe the Earth." Hoping to avert a war, President Clinton agreed to hold a summit meeting in US. Bolingbrook was selected because of its UFO Base, and tourist attractions in nearby Chicago.
"We want to show Martians the Earth at it's best." Said a source close to the Vice-president. "It was a toss-up between Iowa City and Chicagoland, but the White Sox sealed the decision. You just can't see the world's best baseball team in Iowa City. After one game, I just can't imagine the Martians wanting to annihilate the human race."
In preparation for the summit, representative from the Men in Blue and the Men in Black met to coordinate security. Village officials are confident that ordinary Bolingbrook will experience little, if any inconvenience.
Critics aren't so sure.
"This summit is all over the Internet!" Said Jake Nestor of the Art Bell Party. "Thousands of people are going to converge on Bolingbrook to protest! This is going to make Seattle look like a tea party! There's no way our police force can handle a riot on that scale!"
A spokesperson for the Bolingbrook Police disagreed.
"The Village has experienced riots in the past, and we have handled them professionally. We expect to handle anyone who tries to disrupt the summit meeting. In fact, we think that the LA and New York City Police will learn from our efforts."
Bolingbrook's last riot occurred in 1968. Two hippies on their way to Democratic National Convention stopped in a local neighborhood. Police were called in when one of them tipped over a trash can. It took the entire department, and 100 cans of tear gas to restrain them.
Nestor urges all Bolingbrook residents to carry umbrellas on July 25 to protest the summit.
"In World War II, Prime Minister Chamberlain thought he could appease Hitler. President Clinton, Al Gore, and Roger Claar are about to make the same fatal mistake. By carrying an umbrella on July 25, every Bolingbrook resident can tell our leaders not to sell out the Human Race. In fact, I think the slogan should be 'Give us the liberty to photograph Mars, or give us death!'"
Mayor Claar, President Clinton, and Vice-president Al Gore could not be reached for comment.
Back to the top.