New drug hits the suburbs!
Parents must protect their children from Moodies!
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A terrifying new drug has become popular among suburban teenagers. Use of the drug of the drug is so wide-spread that local authorities and service organizations are overwhelmed.
"I haven't seen anything like this since LSD was legal." said a Bolingbrook Officer who asked to be identified as "Bill." "It seems like every teenager is a user. We can't keep up!"
Moodies are taken in small clear tabs that are virtually invisible. It is also odorless and colorless. Signs include increased body hair growth, sudden interest in members of the opposite sex, and changes in the user's voice. Boys tend to act more aggressive, while females experience accelerated development of their chest area. Both genders may experience rapid body growth. Parents of Moodies users report increased rebelliousness in their children, as well as frequent arguments.
"I feel like I lost my daughter!" said David, who wouldn't give us his last name. "She used to be a charming little girl. Now she's bigger than her mother, and we're always fighting. She breaks her curfew and obsesses about boys constantly. Whenever I try to reason with her, she stamps her foot and yells, 'It's not fair!' Then she runs up to her room and cries. I want to kill the person who introduced my baby to Moodies!"
These are not the only signs parents should look for. Some Moodies users develop an incessant need to gossip constantly with each other. Sometimes even to the point of ignoring their teachers. Others will try to sleep through class. Others have become obsessed with being "trendy." They will spend hundreds of dollars buying the latest clothes. After wearing the outfit for a few days, they'll throw it away, claiming that it's "out of style." These same buying habits extend to music as well. Many will buy the albums of suspected Moodies users like Britany Spears.
Former Moodies users report feeling like they're indestructible This is followed by periods of feeling awkward, and insecure. Some users report they became obsessed with sex after using Moodies. All of the recovering users we spoke with agreed that it was the worst experience of their life.
"I was having mood swings all the time." said Bobby, a former user. "Plus I would think about girls all the time. The mere sight of a bra strap would drive me wild. My minister said I was thinking impure thought, but I couldn't help it. I wanted to stop using Moodies, but I couldn't."
Publicly, suburban official have denied the existence of Moodies, also known as Sodiumdihydrogrenoxide. Privately, they say they're too embarrassed to admit that they can't stop the flow of Moodies.
"We haven't found a single dealer yet." said one narcotics officer. "It's like this stuff is coming out of nowhere."
To complicate matters, civic organizations seem unprepared to deal with this drug epidemic.
"Doh!" said a woman connected with the Jaycees after learning about Moodies. "We don't have enough money in our drug education budget! The last ecstasy outbreak was bad enough. I don't know what to do! I don't have enough time. there are too many users, and I can't get a fund raiser going in time. I'm so stressed!"
Despite the magnitude of this problem, a few skeptics remain.
"What you're describing is just normal adolescence." said social worker Becky Rosenburg. "It'll pass once they go to college or move away from their parents. I can't believe you guys are claiming it's a drug epidemic."
While it may be possible that Moodies is just public hysteria, for the sake of your children we urge you not to take any chances. If your children show any of these signs, get them into a drug treatment program at once! Until Governor George Ryan declares a State of Emergency, you are the only person who stands between your children and a Moodies dealer.