Bolingbrook's opposition parties respond to State of the Village address
Editors note: Every year, The Babbler prints the Mayor's State of the Village address, and offers Bolingbrook's local parties the chance to respond. This year, The Art Bell Party, The Roger Claar Party, The Zero-tax Party, and The Family Values parties have accepted our offer. Each party is identified by their name and their slogan. The listing was determined by random selection.
The Roger Claar Party
A Great Mayor Deserves a Great Party.
My fellow village residents:
That was quite a speech Mayor Roger Claar gave. My mouth is watering just thinking about the new Krispy Kreame store. Not only that, but we're going to get a Barnes and Noble! Just think. No more long trips to Naperville. We have truly arrived as a Village.
But with our arrival comes responsibilities. No matter how painful it is, we must pay for our responsibilities. That is why we fully support Valley View's March 21 referendum. We are fully committed to staffing our elementary schools with the best teachers possible.
Which raises concerns about our current Village Board. Are they as committed to this referendum as we are? Why haven't any board members publicly supported this measure? Why aren't they making the media rounds? Is this Board fully committed to Mayor Claar?
If you have any doubts, or can't even answer the question, then we strongly urge you to vote for our party. We believe that Roger Claar is a great mayor, but doesn't always show the best judgment when selecting Board candidates. The Roger Claar Party is the only party that is 100% behind Mayor Claar. No other party, not even Roger Claar's, can say that.
As Mayor, Roger Claar has done many great things. Imagine what he could do if he had a Village Board that fully supported him!
David Nelson
Chairman of the Roger Claar Party
www.rogerclaar.org
The Zero-tax Party
Zero Taxes=Infinite Revenue
My fellow voting residents:
It seems that Mayor Claar has fallen into the trap that has snarled all local governments; Taxes. Governments tax its citizens in the mistaken belief that it is the only way for them to raise money. What they fail to realize, is that taxes are the worst possible way to raise money from its citizens. They prevent citizens from reaching their full income potential by stealing their hard-earned money.
At the Zero-Tax party, we believe there's a better way. We believe that when all the citizens reach their full income potential, that the government will receive infinite revenue. This can only be achieved by the elimination of all taxes.
Just imagine what our village could do with infinite revenue. We could afford to make our teachers the highest paid in the world, build thousands of new schools, and still have enough money to write off the national debt.
Now imagine what you could with a tax-free income. All those things you've always wanted would now be in your grasp. No more worrying about paying the Village Tax Collectors. You'll be living the high life.
That's just the beginning. We also believe in less government, and in giving more power back to the subdivisions. Instead of relying on Village Bureaucracy to maintain our roads, and protect us from crime, we believe that subdivisions should rely on the free market. Residents of our subdivisions should be able to pool their money, and hire contractors for their services. Imagine a police force that's more responsive and sensitive to your needs. Otherwise they'll be replaced by another police contractor. Imagine a garbage department that treats you like a valued customer. Imagine dealing with friendly customer service people whenever you have a problem with your street.
Right now, all of these things are just a dream. All of our theories have never been put into practice. With your help, we can make this grand experiment a reality. A Zero-tax Village Government is possible. You just have to make the right choice on election day.
Mike Renander
President of the Zero-Tax Party
www.bolingbrooktaxfree.com
The Art Bell Party
Keeping an eye on Bolingbrook's Skies
Friends:
Once again, Mayor Roger Claar ignored the real issues facing Bolingbrook. Who cares about Krispy Kreme doughnuts when the global superstorm is going to blow everything away? Why does Mayor Claar ignore the warnings of the most important man in world, Art Bell! If it weren't for him, the aliens following Hale-Bopp would have taken over the Earth!
Instead of focusing on such trivial issues as staffing two elementary schools, we need to prepare for the coming disasters that will change the course of history. We must build underground shelters to house every man, woman and child in Bolingbrook. In the face of a worldwide super-storm, there's no excuse for us not to prepare. The Art Bell Party also supports a ban on any above-ground structures. They'll just contribute to the debris field.
Also, we need to cut down on the number of space aliens in Bolingbrook. Thousands of hard working residents are losing their jobs to these green skinned creeps. Mayor Claar is letting them abduct our children in exchange for promises of technical advancements. We certainly haven't seen these "advancements" in the village. All they've done is clutter our air space with their spaceships. Enough is enough!
What really disturbs us, is that Mayor Claar still hasn't come clean about Bolingbrook's Men in Blue. Who are these mysterious men? Are they really under the control of Mayor Claar? Why are harassing the good citizens of Bolingbrook? Does Bolingbrook really need a secret police force? If we're elected, our first act will be to disband this hidden army of high-tech thugs!
If you want a Village government that cares about the real issues facing Bolingbrook, then vote for the Art Bell Party on election day. Roger Claar deserves an early retirement. The Art Bell party would love to make this a reality.
Drew Brewster
Chairman of the Art Bell Party
www.artbellparty.com
The Family Values Party
Korn Rulz!
Dudes!
Was that a lame speech or what? What the (Expletive Deleted) is a Krispy Kreame anyway? Why does Bolingbrook need a bookstore? What we need are more record stores, and not only that, we need record stores that sell decent music! You know, the stuff Wal Mart or Meijer wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole!
And Roger? Dude! Why do you need more taxes? Not that we pay taxes, but more taxes mean less money from our parents! Dude that sucks! Why can't you just eliminate the police department? All they do is pick on young people. How can lame is that? Roger, don't you realize that police officer is just another name for loser with a big stick?
The Family Values Party doesn't need to raise new taxes for our ideas. We think the village has enough money to have Korn and Rage Against the Machine play at Village Hall. Would that be (Expletive Deleted) cool or what?
And Roger, why are you dissing part-time jobs? Part time jobs are cool! Only people with no lives want to work full time.
In fact, if elected, we'll take it one step further. We won't accept any money from the village. Our parents can support us just fine. In fact, I'm sure our parents would consider it their patriotic duty to let us live in their basements.
So on election, say no to any new taxes, then when the time comes to elect a new Village Board, just remember these things:
- Korn rulz!
- Limp Bizkit rocks!
- Kid Rock is awesome!
- Vote Family Values!