Mancow: Live from Heaven
As I reported back in 1998, the real reason Q101 radio personalities Wendy and Bill were fired was because of the censored Live from Hell broadcast. At the time I thought that was the end of the story
I was wrong. According to a new source at Q101, there was a second Divine Comedy broadcast. This one was hosted by Mancow, while he was allegedly on an Alaskan cruse. I'll admit I was a bit skeptical at first, but I had to check it out. Analyzing the interim Q101 broadcasts with my Performa 6400, I discovered that one of the broadcasts was indeed faked. I had to find the real broadcast.
Unlike the Wendy and Bill broadcast, finding the Mancow broadcast proved to be more difficult. Mancow and his powerful friends were doing everything in their power to stop me from finding the transcript of his Divine Comedy broadcast. There seemed to be no way I could ever defeat them.
Then in February of 1999, a brave soul approached me. I'll call him TV, which is not his real name. He said that Mancow betrayed him at Q101 and he wanted revenge. He handed me a package, then faded into the Bolingbrook night.
Below is the transcript he gave me. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure what to make of it. It seems so crazy, and unbelievable. Yet, if someone actually wrote this down, knowing how crazy I would think it is, then maybe, just maybe, there's a chance that this really happened.
Announcer: The Cow is now--
Sound Bite: Hallelujah!
Announcer: In Heaven.
Mancow: Mancow here, and were coming live from a place no other radio personality has ever broadcast from. This is a Mancow exclusive. I'm speaking to you LIVE from Heaven. That's right. Heaven, the Hereafter, the home of GOD! That's right, I'm going to talk to GOD live on Q101.
Brian: Along with me.
Mancow: Oh shut up! That was Brian the Whipping Boy, for all you people who never listened to that pansy <Censored> Wendy and Bill show.
Brian: I think--
Mancow: Who cares what you think? The only reason you're here is because you're still under contract. Trust me, once I get my gang released from Rock 103.5, your <Censored> is gone!
Brian: I can hardly wait.
Mancow: Same here! I'm not going to waste any more time with you.
Brian: Fine.
Mancow: Boy. *sighs* Now in case you joined us late, let me describe our surroundings. It's just like the movies said it would be. There are clouds everywhere. In fact, I'm talking to you on a cloud right now. Hey, Whipping Boy, get off of my cloud!
Brian: My cable isn't long enough.
Mancow (Grumbles): It's only a matter of time. Anyway...The view here is great. I can see everything on Earth. Hey Turd, I can see your fat <Censored> from up here!
Brian: Turd?
Mancow: Shut up! Anyway, not only is the view down there great, but the view up here is great too. You know all those pictures of angels we were show as children. You know, the ones where they're all wearing long white robes, and some of them are men. Well forget about it! All the angels are female and guess what? They're...all...naked! Not only that, all the angels are stacked! Mmmmmm! Unlike Whipping Boy, I'm sure most of my listeners can appreciate this heavenly sight!
Brian: I can appreciate it. Just because--
Mancow: I thought I told you to shut up! (Sighs) Now I'd like to introduce a very special guest to Mancow's Morning Madhouse. We're only going to have one guest today, and with a show as awesome as this, one guest is all you need. This man, and yes he is a MAN. This man initiated the first cause. This first cause lead to the creation of not only the universe, but of every living creature that exists, that ever existed, or ever will exist. Just think about that for a second...He goes by many names, Jehovah, Allah, The Almighty, but I think we all know him best as God. God, welcome to my first Q101 broadcast.
God: I pleased to be here.
Mancow: You know, I've spent a lifetime trying to picture you, and I never pictured you as wearing a cowboy hat, blue jeans, and cowboy boots. Plus I never imagined you speaking with a Southern accent.
God: It ain't a Southern accent. It a Downstate accent.
Mancow: Oh wow. I'm really sorry. I didn't know there was a difference between the two.
God: I forgive you.
Mancow: Oh boy. I'm relieved. Anyway, you know this God, but I'll bet a lot of my listeners didn't know that I was in seminary school for awhile. Man, all the books they had me read didn't prepare me for Heaven. Especially the angels. I still can't get over how perfect their bodies are. Hey you! Could you <Censored>. Ah, Now look at her <censored>. Is that a perfect <censored> or what?
God: Of course it a perfect <Censored>. I made it. Notice how much cleaner it is than a human <Censored>. Those things offend me.
Brian: Excuse me, but you made humans as well as angels. If a human body part offends you, couldn't you have just changed it?
Mancow: Whipping Boy!...I can't believe you asked our Lord such a stupid question.
God: It OK. He going to Hell anyway.
(Mancow laughs)
Brian: Well I already knew that from the Hell broadcast.
Mancow: (Grumbles) Please forgive me, my contract said I had to bring him along.
God: It OK. I sent better people than him to hell.
Brian: Like Mother Teresa?
Mancow: Hey! Hey! No one died and made you host. This is MY show! Q101 is paying me the big money to host this show! Not you!
Brian: Fine. But
Mancow: No buts! I'm asking the questions. Now God, let's go on to my next favorite subject. Bill Clinton. I have to ask you, and I'm sorry if this is a stupid question. Is Slick Willie going to Hell?
God: Hell yes he is!
Mancow: You hear that all you <Censored> <Censored> liberals! Bill Clinton is going to Hell! It doesn't matter how well the economy is doing, the ultimate judge has decided that Slick Willie is going to Hell!
Brian: Which would mean something if weren't for the fact that everyone goes to hell.
God: <Censored>, I gave everyone freewill, and if they can't see the obvious clues on how to behave, they deserve to go to Hell!
Brian: Couldn't you have just created people with freewill who would always make the moral decisions?
God: Then they wouldn't have freewill now would they?
Brian: Do you have freewill?
God: Hell yeah I do!
Brian: Then if you have freewill and always make the moral decision, why can't an all-knowing, and all-powerful being create moral humans with freewill?
God: You just don't understand the mysteries of my ways.
Brian: There's one other thing I don't understand. In the Genesis, you had to look for Adam and Eve after they ate the forbidden fruit. Then you were angry when you confronted them. First, how can two humans hide from an all-knowing being, and second, how could you be angry when you should have always known that they would have eaten the fruit. For that matter, why did you ask them what happened when you should have--
Mancow: Brian!
Brian: (Long Pause) What?
Mancow: (Long pause) Do you know who this is? This is your GOD! This is the being that created YOU! How dare you treat him like some political figure. He is beyond that! He is your GOD! I may not agree with everything He commanded, but I know enough to respect the Father, Son and Holy Ghost!
God: <Censored>! You think I look like three different people?
Mancow: Oh my--I mean, you're not a trinity?
God: <Censored> <Censored> no!
Mancow: Um, well I meant to say is that I know enough to respect the God who sent Jesus down to save our souls.
God: Why you think I had anything to do with that carpenter?
Mancow: What? You mean--
Brian: I told you that Pugs really saw Jesus in Hell.
Mancow: Oh wow! For the first time in my career I'm at a loss for words. Does this mean the Jews were right?
God: Hell no! You think I would have let the Holocaust happen if they were right?
Mancow: So the Muslims are right?
God: Ha! You think they would have gotten their <Censored> <Censored> kicked by Israel if I were on their side?
Mancow: Uh--uh, so which religion is correct.
God: Koresh is the only one who got it right. That's why he's the only person in Heaven. If more people had followed his example, Heaven would be filling up right now.
Mancow: Really? Well, I can live with that. Hey, now I understand. Koresh died so that we may own any firearm we wish. You got that all you Mancow listeners out there? God, our Lord, supports The Second Amendment.
God: That ain't why he up here?
Mancow: It's not?
God: Hell no! I loved the way he got it on with the kids in his compound!
Mancow: What!?! You can't be serious. That's sexual abuse!
God: Of course I serious! If that were wrong I would have put it in the Ten Commandments. Hell I like that stuff, and I even liked it when Lot's Daughters got it on with Lot. (Giggles)
Mancow: That does it! I should have listened to Whipping Boy in the first place. God, for an all-knowing, all-powerful being, you suck! You're the Bill Clinton of omnipotent beings! You <Censored> <Censored> <Censored> and <Censored> <Censored> <Censored> <Censored> <Censored> <Censored> <Censored>! I can't believe you <Censored> <Censored> <Censored> <Censored> your <Censored> <Censored>! And another thing! I'll bet you couldn't get your <Censored> <Censored> <Censored> so you had to <Censored> <Censored> <Censored> <Censored>! You are the worst <Censored> God in the history of <Censored> <Censored> <Censored> <Censored> Gods! (Long Pause) Uh oh.
God: I gonna kill you! But first you get to say your last words on the radio.
Mancow: Oh boy. Well to all you listeners out there, I'm sorry it has to end this way. I was really looking forward to a long run on Q101. I want to say good-bye to my family. Turd, Freak, I just want to--
(A loud slamming sound)
Mancow: Holy <Censored>! Whipping Boy just ran over God with the Q101 van! God is actually pinned under the van. Whipping Boy, how did you know that would work?
Brian: I didn't, but the Bible says that even if God is with you, you can still be defeated by metal chariots. Well the Q101 van was closet thing to a metal chariot and I thought it wouldn't hurt to try and run over God.
God: You win Whipping Boy. I will spare Mancow.
Brian: That's better.
Mancow: Wow! Whipping Boy, I owe you my life. I don't--Yes I do. Whipping Boy, I'm going to keep you on my show for awhile. It's the least I can do for you. No wait, I'll make sure you'll have your own Saturday evening show as well. You'll be able to play anything you want! How does that sound?
Brian: (Sound of the van slowly moving) It beats collecting unemployment.
Mancow: Now let's get out of here before God changes his mind.
God: Not so fast! I must punish you Mancow. (Sound of van revving) It's only until July 27th! Until then Mancow will be in chains and his voice will not be heard on the radio. It is the law! Now get your <Censored> out of here!
(Static)
Unknown Woman: Brian? Mancow? Can you hear me? Are you OK?
Brian: We're OK. God placed us and the Q101 van on top of the Sears Tower. (Long Pause) Did you hear Mancow speak?
Unknown Woman: No.
Brian: I guess God really did punish Mancow. We can't hear him on the radio, and I can see that he's in chains. If God keeps his word, Mancow will be this way until July 27th. What's that? (Long pause) Mancow says he wants to talk to the Marketing staff right away. He's got an idea for a television commercial.