Wendy and Bill: Live from Hell
Shocked by the sudden firing of Chicago radio personalities Wendy and Bill, I set out to discover the truth. I refused to believe the official reason that they were fired due to low ratings.
My suspicions were further heightened when I made a shocking discovery. Using my Mac Performa 6400 to analyze their last broadcasts, I discovered that their second to last broadcast was faked. Why would WKQX fake a broadcast, and then fire the hosts two days later? It had to be a conspiracy, and I had to break it.
It's taken weeks of interviews, and endless hours of
research, but I have discovered the truth. Below is the actual transcript
of the second to last broadcast of the Wendy and Bill show. Be warned,
the truth is quite shocking...
Announcer: And now live from the Bowels of Hell, it's the Wendy and Bill show.
Sound bite: Dude! The album covers lied!
Wendy: Hey that's Abe Lincoln up there!
Bill: Hey! We're not joking this time. Wendy you should tell them the story behind that.
Wendy: Bill, we've already told the listeners that story. Why don't you tell them about today's show. I'm sure the listeners are dying to know what's going on.
Bill: Well after this show, I don't think they'll want to die.
Wendy: Bill!
Bill: OK. In case you just joined us, we're on the first leg of our Divine Comedy tour. Today we're in the middle of Hell. We dragged along Brian the Whipping Boy and Pugs, our producer, too.
Brian: And we can't thank you enough.
Bill: Oh come on Brian. Haven't you always wondered what Hell would be like?
Brian: Not particularly.
Wendy: For the listeners out there. Let me tell you, I can't think of a better word than to describe this place than Hell. I mean I'm just blown away.
Bill: I'm telling you Wendy, after being here, I'm going to use the word "Hell" less often.
Brian: Just so the listeners have an idea of our immediate surroundings, we're on an island surrounded by a sea of fire. Right now we're in the middle of a stadium, and to be honest, I can't even begin to describe the geometry of this thing.
Bill: I swear, it's designed so that every seat is the worst seat in the house. This place must seat a million people, and no one has a decent view.
Wendy: Hey, how are you guys?
(Crowd grumbles)
Wendy: Are you having a good time?
Crowd: No!
Bill: Come on Wendy, this is Hell. No one is supposed to have a good time.
Wendy: I know, but I thought maybe we could brighten up their day a bit.
Bill: I think it's bright enough down here with all the fires--
Wendy: Bill!
Brian: Actually, I think some people are happy down here. Harry Caray seemed happy.
Bill: Of course, because Budweiser is the official beer of Hell.
Brian: Yeah, and I'll bet the religious right is starting to boycott Budweiser as we speak.
Wendy: You know, I'm still mad about Harry Caray. It just seems so unfair that he's in Hell.
Brian: The whole structure of Heaven and Hell is unfair, but I'll get into that another time.
Bill: Good thing, because we have Pugs on the cell phone. Hey Pugs!
Pugs: Hey Bill! You're right. Every seat here is the worst seat in the house.
Bill: Pugs, I understand that you found some more famous people in Hell.
Pugs: I sure have. Jerry Reinsdorf and Jerry Krause are both in hell. I can see them from here.
Wendy: How can that be? They're not dead yet?
Brian: Actually you don't have to be dead to be in Hell. Dante said that devils will sometimes capture someone really wicked, and replace them with a double.
Wendy: I see. Now the whole Bulls situation makes more sense.
Bill: Hey Pugs? Can you get an interview with them?
Pugs: (static) I'm trying to, but there's a mob of a campus preachers in the way. (static) --ing to (static) But they keep trying to convert each other. It's like a blood (static)
Wendy: Pugs are you there?
Pugs: (static) One of those (static) bastards hit me! I'll have to call you back!
Voice: (over the cell phone) Don't listen to those false preachers, I am the light in the darkness! (static)
Wendy: Pugs? Pugs? We lost him. Bill, do you think we should send someone to rescue him?
Bill: He'll be fine. It's only a gang of college preachers.
Wendy: Bill you heard him, he's getting killed up there. We should send help.
Bill: All right, I'll send a couple interns after him.
Wendy: Is that too dangerous?
Bill: Wendy, no job is too dangerous for an intern.
Wendy: Bill!
Bill: All right. You introduce the next guest, and I'll talk to security.
Wendy: OK, Bill's actually getting up to talk to one of the 15 foot tall security guard demons. Brian, maybe we shouldn't have any more guests today. This guest list is too depressing.
Brian: She's already here, and ready to go.
Wendy: OK Brian. (sighs) I just have to say, this has been the most depressing show I've ever done. First we had Harry Caray on, which was really sad. I thought for sure he was going to Heaven.
Brian: Well he did drink a lot, and it is rumored that he had an affair with a married woman.
Wendy: I know, and I can kind of understand that. Then we had Moses on. Now that really crushed me, but I can kind of understand. I mean he did live before Christ and therefore couldn't accept Him as his savior.
Brian: Which is quite unfair if you ask me.
Wendy: Maybe, but our next guest, I can't understand why she's in Hell. We have Mother Teresa with us right now.
(Crowd boos)
Wendy: Hey! She's done a lot of wonderful things. Hey, Bill's back. Now be nice to our guest.
Bill: I will. Mother Teresa, it's nice to have you here.
Mother Teresa: Bless you my children.
Wendy: Oh wow! We've been blessed by Mother Teresa. I'm so honored. Bill you should be honored.
Bill: Oh believe me I am.
Wendy: Now Mother Teresa, I have to ask you this question, because to be honest, I can't believe you're here.
Mother Teresa: I know my child. I could not believe that the Lord would send me to this place too. I have spent many a night in prayer contemplating this very issue. But my child, I believe the Lord has a reason for my presence. I believe He has sent me here to minister to the children of Hell, so that they may someday experience the salvation of the Lord.
Bill: Wow!
Wendy: Oh my! Bill, I'm so touched. You're actually going to the worst place in the universe to preach to the children. Oh my G-- I mean oh my! I'm so moved.
Mother Teresa: Thank you my child.
Brian: Excuse me, but I have a question.
Mother Teresa: Yes?
Brian: Why are children being sent to Hell?
Mother Teresa: Many are the children who were never baptized into the Catholic faith. Either through abortion or the cruelty of their parents, they were never washed of their original sin.
(Wendy gasps)
Brian: Excuse me, but what kind of sins can babies have, especially aborted fetuses?
Mother Teresa: My poor child. You do not understand the ways of our Lord.
Brian: Maybe, but I have another question. Isn't it true that you even though your charities had millions of dollars in Swiss bank accounts, the sisters in your order had to go into town and beg for food?
Mother Teresa: How dare you ask me that!
Brian: And isn't true that you denied your patients painkillers, but whenever you sought medical treatment, you always relieved the most modern care, including painkillers?
Mother Teresa: Your people lied to me! They said this would be friendly interview!
Brian: I just think those are the real reasons you're in Hell.
Mother Teresa: Bah! I don't have to stand for this! When you arrive here Mr. Whipping Boy, I will personally oversee your torture!
Brian: OK.
(Crowd cheers as Mother Teresa leaves.)
Wendy: Brian how could you! That was Mother Teresa!
Brian: I think they were questions that needed to be asked. Besides, even if she were a saint, I think she'd still end up here.
Bill: How so?
Brian: Considering all the religions and sects that claim to be the one true path to God, you have to realize the majority or all of them have to be wrong. So the odds are you'll end up in Hell for worshiping the wrong God. From the looks of things around here, it seems like everyone goes to Hell, no matter how good or bad they were in life.
Bill: Well not everyone. Pugs are you there?
Pugs: Yes Bill.
Bill: Any luck finding David Koresh?
Pugs: Still looking for him.
Brian: See, it could very well be that Koresh was right, and everyone else has been wrong for thousands of years.
Wendy: Well I just have to have faith that God has a plan and rewards everyone that worships him.
Brian: But if you're wrong, think of all the people who after living good moral lives, go to Hell because they never knew to follow the true path.
(Crowd cheers Brian.)
Wendy: Brian this is too depressing. Let's talk about something else. Hey Bill, you know today's Friday.
Bill: Yeah, and Friday is the start of the Weekend.
Wendy: And nothing says the Weekend like Steve Saur's Chicago Trivia. Today we have two special guests--
Bill: Wendy, I hate to interrupt, but Pugs has an announcement to make.
Pugs: I've found Jesus!
Bill: Does this mean you've become a born-again Christian?
Pugs: No! I've literally found Jesus! He's only a few feet from me!
Wendy: Oh no! Tell me he's just visiting.
Pugs: No, it looks like he's a full-time resident of Hell. He's got the numbers and everything.
Bill: Are you sure it's Jesus?
Pugs: I'm positive! I've run the tests and everything! It's Jesus.
Wendy: Oh my God! Do you guys know what this means?
Bill: Um, we just destroyed the foundation of Christianity?
Brian: The Jews were right after all?
Wendy: No! It means we're going to get fired. No one is ever going to sponsor our show again.
Bill: Come Wendy. WKQX isn't going to fire us.
Pugs: Yeah! Who are they going to get to replace us? Mancow?
Bill: Yeah, like they could afford to pay him $3 million a year.
Wendy: I don't know. We'll be back after these messages.
Note: The beliefs expressed in this story may not reflect the views of Bill, Brian, Pugs, or Wendy. As for my beliefs, no I don't believe everyone goes to Hell. No one goes to Heaven or Hell since they're fictional places.
The Mother Teresa information comes from a Judith Hayes column.